So adolescence found me in class seven at the cruel nun school. I don’t remember much happening, just the usual doing what I must to survie. Then in the year 1997, after finishing class eight, I started my periods. I was so scared because I felt like something has shifted in me. Schucks. Anyway its all good. Then this time I start having very painful abdominal pain as well as backpains. Something prompts me to fill the bathtub with hot water and immerse myself. Surprise it works and turns out it was my second time to experience periods. Okay.

Starting high school. It was also an all girls school. Not eventful really. No one was bullying me or anything. or touching me inappropriately. It was very strange and I didn’t know what to make of it. so back track a little bit. There was this boy from church. I think we both had a crash on each other but at the time I didn’t understand what that was about. So I remember he wrote me a letter and the sisters used to read all our letters before giving them to us. Sister called and asked me about him. I denied knowing anything. She then told me she is going to let me go this time with a warning. I was so scared I decided I will warn him when I go home never ever to do that again. I told him off so badly, now that I think about it. Sorry. But then in high school he wrote me another letter. This time there was no one reading our letters. So I got it. But then he was in a high school that we were told we are not supposed to be associated with students from there. Poor boy he really tried to reach out to me and I pretended not to know him. I hurt him without wanting to. Another time in church, yes we met in church coz I was brought up in a very strict christian family, we had what some like to talk about as a moment. But I didn’t know what to do with it. Then I heard other of my peers saying that we have something between us. I got so scared so that, when he called me I told him to never call again or even talk to me. But then I used to call him then when he answers the phone, I hang up quickly. Once he even asked if its me, I was so embarrassed and hung up. Those were the days of landlines that did not leave a footprint. Good old days.

I was so scared of boys because I had nothing to work with in regards to knowing who they are. This one boy was introduced to me by my best friend at the time. We used to exchange PS games, and movies. So this one time he gives me a rose. Then he asks my friend to ask me what I thought about the rose. I was confused, was I supposed to think about something?

I had been told boys are bad. There is nothing like having a boyfriend. The only relationship to have is marriage. Everything else is nonsense. So all I remember is making every effort to run away from boys and for when I couldn’t manage to, wishing the earth would open and swallow me alive. Coz I didn’t know what to do. I think I had a desire to be talked to by them. I just didn’t know how that should look like or if even those thoughts were appropriate.

Then at seventeen, I remember something else. Our house help at the time brought home VCR porn movies. She tried to hide them but decided to yield and give them with a warning. Now I used to read Mills& Boons and a lot of historical romance. So I thought I knew enough about Sex. Shock on me. I was traumatized. Prior to that I thought just being in the same bed with a man is what will get you pregnant. How wrong I was. Anyway, here I was I think I felt dirty and guilty. Like everyone now can see what I have just watched and they are judging me. I don’t watch anymore porn until after I left high school, and again its not like I actively sort it out but my movie guy thought somehow its something I would appreciate so he gave me as a bonus movie after taking so many. The same guilty feelings wash over me but it doesn’t last as long as the first time.

This is part of my adolescent life that has been neatly tucked, Not anymore…


I started this series of blogs ‘Lets talk a little more about myself’ by talking about aspects to myself  that I  had tucked away for so long. However I am able to do so because I am a therapist by profession and part of my training and also as an ethical aspect to my practice, I am required to do 50 plus hours of personal therapy as well as supervision. I have done over 100 hundred of both. And in the course of that, I have been able to process a lot….

Please use my posts for information purposes only. They are not a substitute for seewking out professional help. The views expressed here in are  from my personal experiences and while one may resonate with what is shared, it’s not a substitute for appreciating your own unique personal experience. Always do your own research on any topic to guard against being hoodwinked.

Published by nasewangari

Clinical Psychologist| Humanist| Great passion for demystifying and decolonizing mental health

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