So, I am out of high school. I know I will be joining college in August. FIrst things first. Driving school and computer college. I hated driving. I skipped classes so much and even the time I finished, I failed the exam the first time. But passed second time round.

I become very active in church. There was the keyboard guy who used to teach me keyboard. In the course of that I become part of the praise and worship team. Not because I had a talent for singing. But at the time I was told it was a way of serving God and he would be happy with me. So keyboard guy…. Before that, so this one time I am walking towards church and this guy stops and tells me I look beautiful, and other words. I thought he was making fun of me. And when I get to church keyboard guy tells me more or less of the same thing. Uhmm okay. And he continues to tell me a bunch of other things that are very confusing coz they make me feel things that I can’t explain. Then there was this other girl who he was also teaching how to play the keyboard. To me she was the definition of beautiful. And then keyboard guy starts to tell me negative things about her. I don’t understand why. Plus now I hear rumors that the pastor’s daughter, and because the Keyboard guy used to live with them, also has something going on with keyboard guy. Still nothing is making sense because I have no context or framework to work with. Until I think I developed a crash on him. Then another one of my agemates joined us. Then she started to narrate to me things keyboard guy was saying to her that sounded a whole lot like what he was saying to me. OH MY GOD! Okay I couldn’t hide my anger at the feeling of deception I had experienced. Quickly it’s on to the girl who he had told me stuff about and I let her know everything. Of course they end up talking and I become the bad person. It was crazy. I felt multiple things I had never felt. And I remember talking to a visiting pastor at the time and he said a lot of things that were equally confusing. So I will get married to someone who we hate each other at first? So it takes more than feelings to make marriage work? What was he gong on about? Anyway whatever. I think this was the first time I encountered feelings that I can describe as grief.

Let’s continue from here…


I started this series of blogs ‘Lets talk a little more about myself’ by talking about aspects to myself  that I  had tucked away for so long. However I am able to do so because I am a therapist by profession and part of my training and also as an ethical aspect to my practice, I am required to do 50 plus hours of personal therapy as well as supervision. I have done over 100 hundred of both. And in the course of that, I have been able to process a lot….

Please use my posts for information purposes only. They are not a substitute for seeking out professional help. The views expressed here in are  from my personal experiences and while one may resonate with what is shared, it’s not a substitute for appreciating your own unique personal experience. Always do your own research on any topic to guard against being hoodwinked.

Published by nasewangari

Clinical Psychologist| Humanist| Great passion for demystifying and decolonizing mental health

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