It was back in 2015 when I consciously made a decision to be authentic and live in truth. Little did I know what I was signing myself up for. You know the script for it gets ugly before it resolves and becomes better….It’s not that I wasn’t doing a bit of that from before, however being brought up Christian had kinda fried my brain a little in the sense there was this image I had to always, or thought I need to always portray about myself. I needed to act as if my shit is always together, because we can’t be embarassing the almighty by portraying him as not being able to supply all our needs according to his riches in glory amongst other bullshit. Plus let’s face it, I really loved all the reward I got by being called a good person. Lol that cheap, feeding off of something as being called a good person. But that’s the premise of what some peddle as Christianity, you either are good or bad. Moral or not, and who wants to be on the negative of that spectrum right.
What led me to that point is that I had kind of gotten tired of being misused and acting. Whatever juice was feeding my fake goodness ran out. And I remember starting to speak my mind, although a lot of what came out was now mostly being fueled by anger and bitterness, to a point I was scared of myself, yet it felt like I just couldn’t control it. I was also equally very very sensitive. Granted I am a generally sensitive person but the sensitivity we are talking about here is the kind that makes you see offense everywhere. A simple harmless comment as my hair could do with a bit of repair would have been interpreted as what is being implied is that my hair is not good enough and that could result in a retort as , you don’t pay any of my bills so go hug a cactus or jump in a lake or whatever. Cringe.
What I didn’t understand at the time is that I was transitioning into a new level of growth and consciousness. And with that it is usually messy before you find a balance. Everything is about finding balance. It’s usually helpful to have someone to walk with you and hold your hand, ultimately though it’s all up to you. So the struggle for me was to not revert to being inauthentic, but also to find a balance in my authenticity that does not harm not just myself but others.
I hate uncertainty, and I am not very good at sitting in silence and observing myself without judgement. I am my worst critic. Yet this are parts to myself I learned and, I am still learning, to embrace when I began that whole authentic business because this were aspects to myself I thought I needed to run from or hide. And I am not afraid of pointing out my weaknesses or my negative attributes. Not because I don’t battle with them sometimes, but because I realize they don’t cancel out my positive side. That balance thing. I think this world with all it’s contorting what we all need to be so that we can sell or buy something has really messed us up. And so you are having people struggling to maintain a certain image, which eventually ends up becoming destructive. I don’t pretend to have an answer however part of freedom is being able to be whole in all your aspects, whatever they are. Being seen for you and not a fantasy personality….
Please use this for information purposes only. It is not a substitute for seeking out professional help. The views expressed here in are from my personal experiences as well as from those I have interacted with and while one may resonate with what is shared, it’s not a substitute for appreciating your own unique personal experience. Always do your own research on any topic to guard against being hoodwinked.